Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
