Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
