Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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