Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
