I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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