3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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