i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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