So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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