i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
