I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
