I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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