i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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