Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
