you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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