I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
