I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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