Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
