Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
