The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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