Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
