Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
