Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
