Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
