8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
