I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
