haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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