just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Your penis caused this!
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