Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
