Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
