I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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