1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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