I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
