I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
The best revenge is premature balding
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
This toilet bowl is my home.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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