When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
