I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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