Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
