her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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