I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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