yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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