hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
