I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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