Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
