advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
