Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
