Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Alive.
So much puke
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
