Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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