hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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