She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
