You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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