So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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