i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
