now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
