I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
