Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
