Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
