and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
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She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
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My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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